The Loneliness of Emily Fitch
by mynameislizzie2
Summary: A two parter. The first part is all sadness I'm afraid. Reposted even though I still hate 'Fire' with all my heart. Its the one that still makes me cry and I wrote the damned thing! Don't hate me...I just had to repost this one
1. Chapter 1

Emily

People say some fucking stupid things when someone close to you is very ill. The word platitude is invented for this kind of thing. After Effy left to go to whatever current event was occupying her time whilst her best friend was dying, I was alone with Naoms for a couple of hours. I spent the first twenty minutes incoherent with grief and anger. I was so fucking _angry_ with her for depriving me of the few months she had been sick. All that time I had been gradually neglecting her more, and my anger was tinged with guilt at that fact. OK, we had exchanged many many texts and emails, and she had talked to me on the phone every week. But I accepted her excuse about the web-cam on her laptop packing up so that Skype wasn't usable. I let it slide because I was busy. Yeah busy. Busy getting successful whilst the person I love more than anything in this fucked up world was getting busy dying.

I even shouted at her on the phone last week, because she was fucking stoned again. This wasn't my Naomi. My Naomi was sharp edged and focussed, convinced of her ability to change things, The stand up comedian thing was a distraction, nothing more. She was no more a bar room comic than I was. I remember how humiliated she had been that time Cook fucked up her student president speech in the canteen. My use of the cunt word really helped _that_ situation, didn't it? But in any case, we both knew, over the past year, that she had lost her focus, and I had found mine. So we were drifting. And _cunt_ that I am, I never noticed that there was a reason she was getting increasingly lost in drugs and denial. Cancer. Its a fucking ugly word for an ugly thing.

Like I said, people say the stupidest things when they are grieving. After I had stopped crying so helplessly, whilst Naoms cuddled me and whispered soothing words to me, I sat up and let her have it.

"You selfish, stupid, fucking heartless bitch" I yelled "How _could_ you Naomi, how could you leave me this little time with you. You said you would never hurt me again"

I know it was cruel, and I know it wasn't even fair, but I had to say it. I saw big fat tears spring up in those incredible eyes. Eyes which were ringed with red and underlined with dark shadows. I had never seen those eyes like this. The enormity of what was happening to her hit me again, and I dissolved again myself into hopeless sobs. She was dying. My darling Naomi was dying, and I couldn't do a thing about it.

"I'm so sorry " I said between sobs, and she said the same. I felt those big tears run across my face as she cuddled me tight. So tight. She groaned slightly as I squeezed her back, and I realised it was hurting her. I pulled back and looked at her face again.

"No Ems" she said "I need lots of cuddles now. Having you this close is worth any pain"

I choked again and laid back with her, this time just letting her squeeze me. We laid there for ages, I don't know how long. My brain was singing, but I couldn't seem to break this cycle of tears and hugs. There were no words I could say that would make this right.

Then I heard the gentle swish of the rubber mounted door behind us open, and knew we weren't alone any more. I heard a strangled sob as whoever it was caught sight of my baby's exhausted face.

"Oh my poor darling" the voice spoke. It was Gina, of course. Back from Ireland, as soon as Naomi had allowed Effy to call her. I sat up, despite the small grumble that came from Naomi, and turned to smile weakly at the only adult I really had any time for when we had been growing up in Bristol. She looked different. Less flamboyant, less hippy but still unquestionably Gina Campbell. The tears I had in my eyes were mirrored in hers. She looked again at her daughter, lying on that bed and I heard another stifled sob.

"May I?" she said quietly, and I stood up awkwardly as she made her way round the bed and regarded Naomi with huge sad eyes.

"Mum?" Naomi said in a small voice "Oh... mum" She began to cry bitter tears.

I thought I'd cried all my own tears, but there were apparently plenty left as I saw Naomi collapse into her mothers arms as she sat on the bed. I turned as the door swished again and Kieran stood there, his normally ruddy face pale.

"Oh, little Red" he said in that soft Irish burr "I'm so very, very sorry" He's called me that since our college days, when Naomi and I first went out together, even though my hair has been back to dark brown for years, and the use of that affectionate term broke me all over again. I sobbed in his arms as Naomi sobbed in her mothers.

After a while, Naomi stopped crying and we swapped bundles of tissues round. You know the term 'there wasn't a dry eye in the house'? Well, there wasn't, not for a long while.

Then the platitudes started. I was ready for them, but it didn't make them any easier to take. "There's still hope" , "Miracles happen" , "Advances in modern medicine" You know the kind of thing people say to each other when the inevitable is too fucking painful to contemplate?

Well the single conversation Gina and I had with the Oncologist in the corridor whilst Kieran stayed with a now sleeping Naomi ended that little fantasy.

"I'll be honest with you both" he said in a businesslike way "We have ended treatment for the original tumour on her ovaries. Sadly Naomi has developed secondaries on her uterus and liver. She is a very sick girl. We can offer palliative care only now, which means she won't be in as much pain, but will sleep a lot more, due to the morphine doses. The sickness and spasms from the chemo will subside, so she won't be as visibly distressed, but I'm afraid you _will_ have to deal with the fact that she wont be able to talk quite so much from now on "

There was only one question on both our minds, but I had to say it.

"How long?" I said bleakly

"Honestly?" he said in a kinder tone

"Yes" This time it was Gina speaking, her pretty face swollen and blotchy.

He sighed and looked up at the ceiling for a second, before replying.

"Days...but in all probability, the chances are it is more likely to be within 24 hours. Make the most of the time you have with her. Once she enters the final few hours, she's likely to be asleep more than she's awake. It's better for her, you know...more peaceful. I'm so sorry...its not fair is it?"

I had to get out of there. I couldn't stay in that place a second longer. I heard Gina call out to me, but I ran down the corridor and found a fire exit. Opening it, I saw a gantry and a set of steps to the roof. I stumbled up the steel steps until I stood on the top, letting the icy wind rush over me. I let it all out then. If anyone had been watching, they would have thought I had lost my mind. I shouted, I screamed and I pleaded with someone, anyone to help me, to help her. No one answered. She was going to die. My precious baby. She was going to _die_.

After about twenty minutes and another shed load of useless tears. I began to shiver in the wind. Hugging myself, I went back down the ladder and into the too warm corridor of the hospital. When I got back to Naomi's room, we had another visitor. Katie Fitch. But not the Katie Fitch I knew. Not at all. This Katie was bent over and broken, hugging Naomi and weeping yet more tears onto my love. They had never been close, even when Katie had accepted my sexuality, but there was nothing fake about her grief. They all turned to look as I came into the room and Katie stared up at me with haunted eyes.

"Oh Emsy" she said in a voice not like hers at all "Katie sham...Katie sham"

"Emsy sham" I said automatically. Speaking twin now seemed stupid really, but I think in moments like this Katie reverts to our ten year old selves. I hugged her as she stood and we stood around awkwardly for a minute or two. Naomi was still dopey from the recent pulse of morphine, so she wasn't really making a lot of sense at that stage.

The next 24 hours passed like slow molasses. Hour upon hour of constant vigilance. At all times there were two of us with her. She spoke occasionally, but I think the effort of dealing with us all at once had tired her out more than she would admit. I managed to get a few moments with her when Gina and Katie went hunting tea, but there weren't many things we could say now. Naomi was drifting in and out, and I knew the doctor had been right when he said we only had hours. The knot in my stomach grew until it was a cold tangled block inside me. The rest of my senses were strangely dulled, as if I was the one on morphine, not Naomi. I didn't eat anything, I tried but it all tasted of cardboard. I drank the occasional half cup of tea, but if she stirred, I immediately put it aside in the hope that she would speak to me. But she didn't. Her moments of consciousness were now brief and confused. It was heartbreaking. The vibrant, vivid and wonderful human being I had taken as my life partner was fading like an old photograph. Once, I slept myself, resting my head on the bed beside her, but Gina woke me after half an hour. Naomi was for once conscious and smiling down at me indulgently, obviously amused at the state of me.

" _Not_ looking your best here, Fitch" she croaked, and tears filled my eyes for the hundredth time.

"Don't" I said "Please don't joke Naoms"

Her face clouded and she tried to raise a shuddering breath to speak again

"What else do we have baby?" she smiled "Don't cry my darling. Remember, I will _always_ love you. Wherever you go, whatever you do in the future, I will be there, watching over you. I've loved you more than you'll ever know Emily Fitch. There was never anyone else for me"

"Don't leave me Naomi" I said, suddenly panic stricken that this was the moment I really lost her "I'll be so... lonely...so alone, without you"

Her eyes started to lose focus and I knew she was going to sleep again

"Naomi?" I said again and her eyes flickered, trying to stay open. "Please baby...stay with me, just a little longer"

I heard Gina _and_ Katie sob this time, and in the corner of my eye, saw them clinging to each other.

"So tired Ems" Naomi whispered "Cuddle before I go to sleep?"

I pulled myself up onto the bed and put my arm over her body, trying not to tangle the tubes going in and out of her arms. She smiled sweetly in that way she had just before she went to sleep at home. Back when we had everything in front of us. When the world consisted of bouncy castles and motorbike goggles and parties, and Goa...

Naomi slept for another hour and I took the chance to go to the visitors toilet, a few yards down the corridor. I had barely had time to wash my hands afterwards before the door burst open and my sisters face told me everything without words. I stared at her for a long second.

" **NO**!" I said "she's not?"

"Shhh Em" Katie said, trying to grab my hands, which were shaking and cold as ice "Not quite yet, but the doctor has just been to see her. She's close. You need to be with her now. We all need to be with her now"

I rushed down the corridor uncaring about trolleys or people. I pushed open the glass door and saw Gina and Kieran holding each other, looking down at the bed. Naomi was on her back, propped up a little and her beautiful eyes were open. As I crossed to the bed, she saw me and smiled.

"Emily" she said simply "I was waiting for you"

I threw myself onto the bed and held her in my arms as tightly as I thought she could bear.

"Not yet baby, not yet...please" I murmured desperately "Stay with me, my beautiful girl"

"Shhh" she said in a voice weak and tired "I need to sleep again now Em, but I couldn't before you were back here with me"

I looked up into her eyes once again and saw a small tear escape her eye as she looked down at me.

"Kiss me?" she said, and I pressed my lips to hers. They felt dry and flaky, not like the soft lips I had kissed a thousand times before, but I would take this kiss before all others.

"I will always love you Emily Fitch" she managed before her eyes closed and the hand that held mine relaxed and dropped to the bed.

I looked up frantically at Gina and Kieran. Katie was sobbing uncontrollably in the corridor, I could hear her from here.

"Get the _doctor_!" I said, but they just looked at me with such deep sadness that I knew it all then...

I felt Naomi's chest rise and fall twice, then stop. Her eyes were closed, and I tugged at her hand to try to wake her.

"Not yet... I'm not ready...please Naomi" I screamed " **NO**!"

I felt big hands pull me up and off the bed. Kieran's strong arms held me tight as I fought to get back to her.

"Naomi...Naomi!" I cried, hopeless sobs racking my body as he held me.

"She's gone Emily" he whispered "she's gone... Let her rest now little Red."

XXX


	2. Chapter 2

**Second part. Still anguish, but unlike the Fire debacle, some hope to end it with?**

Emily

It's been a year today, since she died. How is that even possible? I won't go into the details of the funeral and the wake. It may be a year ago, but it was so exquisitely painful I have blocked most of it out. Katie came with me. I remember thinking, apropos nothing, that my twin looked good in black, but as for what I was wearing, what I said or did all day, total fucking blank.

They all came surprisingly. Effy was out on bail, but as per, she stood at the back, interacting with no one. I hope she felt suitably guilty, but I doubt it. Effy doesn't really do emotion. Its entirely possible she is a completely separate species. She was the same at Freddies burial. The hard looks Katie and I gave her stopped her coming over to mouth insincere platitudes, and after the cremation, she had just gone. I've not seen her since. I hear she got 9 months inside. They only serve half, I think,.Probably been out for ages now. Doesn't matter really, anyway. She's not my friend any more, I don't think she ever was.

Cook turned up suited and booted, fresh from his own private hell. He looked tired and pale, but I suppose prison does that to you. He got 6 years for the manslaughter of Foster, but I think his real prison sentence was the guilt that he shared over Freddies death. He said something facile to me, but I only nodded politely. Just words. He left me alone after that.

JJ and Lara came, leaving little Albert who's not so little any more, with her mum. Panda and Thomas came over from the States too. Apart from that, just Naomi's family and my dad and James turned up. I hate funerals anyway on general principal, but Katie had made sure that enough neat scotch was in my bloodstream so that it passed in a blur for me. I cried a lot, people who did and didn't know her said kind words about her short life, the curtains closed, and they burned her body in a furnace. End of. No more Naomi Campbell.

Gina asked me where Naomi would have liked to have her ashes interred. How the fuck did I know? She was 22, for Christ's sake. We thought death was for old people, not us. Finally, after a week, Gina had taken the urn home, and I went back to my family, deciding whether to go back to the States or give up the internship and move to London and try my luck there.

Then it came to me. Of course. Where _else_ would she want to be?

The next day, I took a bus to 'our' old house. It was hard. The door where I had stood contemplating that little yellow note " _I'll do anything_ ", deciding whether to leave her for good, after the Sophia thing, was still the same washed out blue, and the murals on the houses opposite hadn't got any more artistic. Gina answered the door quickly and ushered me inside. The house was cold and empty, most of the furniture having being sent over to Ireland when she followed Kieran to Cork, but it still felt eerily all Naomi. I stood looking around me. I could hear mental snippets ringing in my mind.

" _Me and Emsy, we have problems, because I was...bad_ "

" _I can fry you, poach you, scramble you, do you any way you like_ "

" _Don't lie_ "

" _My mum comes home next week, perhaps you should...go_ "

Tears filled my eyes and Gina gave me a big hug as I sobbed. I turned to the door and would have bolted if she hadn't held onto my coat sleeve.

"Too many memories?" she smiled sadly

I nodded. The lump in my throat was too big for me to speak.

"Me too" she said "It's going on the market on Monday. Kieran and I can't live here any more either, even as a refuge from his family. She's in every room, round every corner. It breaks my heart, every time I wake up here".

I thought my heart would shatter all over again, and I just stood there facing the door, head down and tears dripping on the carpet. I'm no use without her...

We took Gina's little Ford Ka to the place I'd chosen for my love to spend eternity. Down the narrow road with trees one side and a wire fence the other. Last time I had travelled this road, it was on a bicycle. Young and hopeful, like any other 17 year old. Not now.

The car was left at the beginning of the lakeside track, and we walked silently in the dappled sunlight of that January afternoon. There wouldn't be any skinny dipping today. No blow backs or awkward, fumbling love. That was in the past. The view was the same, just a few less leaves on the trees. The lake was still and peaceful. A lovely place, she had said. Yes it was. Lovely. and now so, so lonely. I ached inside all the time we were there, but it had to be done. Gina got out the small urn from her car and a little spade and between us, we dug a deep but narrow hole by the big yew tree. She had somehow persuaded the landowner that it would be kind to allow us to do this, to bury my love in a place she had known happiness. Once the physical work was done, Gina allowed me to be the one to lower the small pot into the ground. There was an S.S.S.I. order on this land, so it would never be dug over or built on. I was pleased about that. Someday, I wanted to be with her here again. " _Some day soon_ " I heard my inner voice say, and I cried a bit more as Gina shovelled earth carefully over the spot. Damping it down with her foot, we both shed more tears over Naomi. They dropped onto the freshly turned earth, a final cry of despair at our loss.

Finally, Gina got out the small brass plaque that she had had made in town after the memorial service. The sun glinted on its polished surface. It looked like gold.

 _Naomi Campbell_

 _1991 – 2013_

 _Beloved daughter to Gina_

 _Beloved partner to Emily_

 _A life so short but full of hope_

 _Wait for us, darling._

There was a tree stump, right beside the yew, and Gina nailed the small brass square firmly onto the side facing the clearing. You could look over the top right into the distance, across the water and into the evening sun. It was perfect. We stood in silence for a long time, just thinking. No more crying, just thinking. I had cried for so long, I was just exhausted. I had nothing left to give my love... but love.

As we turned to go, Gina and I shared a sad smile and looked back for the last time at the place I had shared with Naomi Campbell. This time it was me leaving her alone to sleep. I whispered quietly.

"Goodbye my love. I'll visit you again...soon"

 _Two years later_

It was raining this time. I had finished my internship and had turned down a perfectly good freelance job in Queens. My heart just wasn't in it any more, if I was honest. New York had been exciting, new and challenging when I had Naomi to come home to, but for the past year it had been more of a refuge that I could hide in whilst I tried to heal my heart. But it wasn't working. I don't know if anything ever would again. I met people, I went to parties, I laughed sometimes, and I threw myself into creating beautiful and evocative images. But it wasn't enough. Going back to my apartment on Seagirt Boulevard was the same whatever I had been doing all day. It wasn't the apartment, it was lovely, on the top floor with a view of the majestic skyline of New York, lit up like a Christmas tree at night. But it was empty. Not of furniture and things, I had plenty of things around me, but although Naomi had never visited me there, it was empty of _her_.

I still had photos around the place. Goa, with Naomi on the back of an elephant, joint hanging out of the side of her mouth, chuckling at the antics of the mahouts and me as I tried to get my small frame up the leg of another animal. Bristol, with Naomi and Effy laughing at some party, gurning at me like a couple of loons, and the big photo, blown up to poster size, on the wall opposite my picture window. The one of her, hair blowing in the wind as she looked out over the town from Brandon Hill. She looked so lovely in that, my heart ached every time I looked at it. Her hair had still been blonde then, and she had grown it out, so it hung in soft waves over her shoulders. She had that blue blazer on with the white and blue striped top on underneath. She was smiling to herself in that introspective way she had, and after she saw it on the little screen on the back of the camera, she had tried desperately to get me to delete it, but I wouldn't. It was so, I don't know... _Naomi_ , I knew it would always remind me of her when she was happiest. It still did, but with a huge amount of sadness attached now. She'd never smile that enigmatic smile again. Not for me. Not for anyone.

Anyway, here I am another two years on, and this time its summer, despite the rain. I stood by the lake, where the view never changes and wiped green moss off her little plaque. I crouched down by the stump and looked out over 'our' lake.

"Hi baby" I said quietly "Here I am again. Its been too hard in the States without you, so I'm back for good now. I tried _so_ hard to do what you said and get on with my life, but you made it impossible for me, you snarky cow. Where else am I gonna find another sarcastic bitch like you?"

I knew the tears would come, but I thought I would be able to hold it together longer this time. I was wrong.

"The world feels so empty now, Naoms" I whispered brokenly. "Katie lives in Munich. She's married that fashion designer she was going out with and thinks she's the new Posh Spice. I rarely see her any more, except at Christmas"

I gulped away another sob before continuing.

"Mum and Dad have divorced. I think it was coming for a while, but what with me losing you and staying in America, and James about to go away to college, I think the glue that held them together went. Oh... and Dad sends his love. He was always very fond of you. And James of course, still goes on about you, despite my best attempts to shut him up. I know his affection for you was primarily pubescent lust, but he was, no he _is_ , genuinely fond of you"

I wiped my face with the back of my hand as the tears began to roll down my cheeks.

"What am I going to do Naoms?" I said hopelessly "It's not getting any easier. I thought it would, but it isn't. Gina and Katie keep telling me that time heals everything, but they're wrong, aren't they?"

I sighed and brushed my hand over the plaque again.

"I need some help here baby. You'd know what to do, you always could read me like a book".

I rested my head on my arms on the stump and gazed out over the lake. Perhaps it would be easier to just walk off the bank and let the deep water claim me. I would be with her then, and then the pain would go away forever.

A gentle breeze rustled the leaves of the yew above me and just for a moment, I could swear I heard her voice. It was faint, and thin, like the dim sound of a 1920's radio recording, but it was there.

" _Don't do that Emily._ _Be strong_ " the voice said " _I'm waiting for you, but it's not your time yet_ "

The voice was faint, but as clear as a bell. It _was_ her.

I jumped up as if the ground had suddenly become red hot. What the _fuck_?

I stared around as if Naomi was going to rise up through the damp earth like some modern version of 'Carrie' and drag me into the ground with her. Nothing stirred apart from the leaves, but the hairs on the back of my neck were up and my spine tingled like I had been shocked. I stumbled back two steps and my back collided with the tree behind me.

I stood there for long minutes hoping, but fearing in equal measure the sound of her voice again. It couldn't be...but it was so clear. My mind playing tricks on me then, I thought. Wiping fresh tears from my face and taking a deep breath, I turned to go.

"Bye baby" I said brokenly "I will come back soon...promise"

Just the leaves answered me, whispering quietly in the breeze.

Five years later

I stumbled a bit through the overgrown foliage and cursed the fact that I had left my boots in the car. Snow was falling softly and it would be dark soon, but I had promised her, and I would always keep my promises. The lake looked different somehow, darker and more forbidding. I shivered, despite the thick wool coat I was wearing. I needed to speak to her...it had been too long.

"Naoms" I said, brushing a thin film of frost from the brass plate. "I have something to tell you. I'm going to South America for a year. The guy I worked for in New York has asked me to be his assistant on a huge shoot in Argentina and Brazil. God knows why he remembered me when I bugged out on him all those years ago, but he has, and it will mean I get the chance to upgrade my portfolio and maybe get some bigger jobs of my own. You understand baby, don't you?"

There was only silence, but I knelt on the cold ground, hugging the stump and looking out over the inky dark water, just _being_ with her as much as I could.

"Katie's divorced and is currently raising hell with any and all eligible bachelors in the Bristol area. She actually asked me to go clubbing with her last night. I'm nearly 30, for Christ's sake. Those days are over for me. Anyway, I don't like crowds much nowadays. Bit boring really, you would laugh at me"

I paused as Naomi's teenage face swam into my mind, flushed from spliffs and booze, dragging me onto the dance floor as a slow song came on. She lit me up, she always could. The ache I had almost forgotten came back into my stomach and I swallowed once to stop the sob that was building inside.

"Oh, and I've met someone" I said, before I lost my courage. " Someone nice. You'd like her. Her names Eva and she's Spanish with Mexican mixed in. Very exotic. I met her in Madrid on a shoot".

Why was it I felt like I was revealing an infidelity? It had been nearly 8 years now. I should be able to move on, shouldn't I?

"Are you OK with that Naoms?" I said quietly "It's never going to be the same for me, not without you, not with anyone, but she's funny, and kind and she loves me. Please understand that I am so lonely without you...I just need someone to..."

I didn't expect an answer, and I wasn't disappointed. None came. It didn't stop the guilt stabbing me painfully.

I tidied the ground over her grave, and fussed again about polishing the brass. When I was happy with it, I paused before leaving again.

"I'll come back soon baby" I smiled "I'll never forget you, I promised you, and I keep my promises"

I blew a kiss towards her memorial and turned away to start my new life without her in South America

15 years later.

It was spring the next time I came. The best time. Leaves were budding, insects were buzzing around and life seemed to be springing up everywhere. I remember thinking that the walk to the lake seemed longer now, more tiring. The ground had been churned up by kids or something, and I tutted impatiently as I cleared a couple of discarded cans and some cigarette butts from the ground over her grave.

I stared for a long time over the water before turning to look at her memorial.

"It didn't work out, Naoms, but then I supposed you knew that all along. Eva was lovely. She wanted so much for me to love her like she loved me, but there was always something missing. I tried. I really tried, but she deserves better than half way commitment. I've let her go. We were both so very sad, but it was for the best, don't you think?

The same silence met me, but I needed to get through this.

"So, I'm working for a local charity now. Your mum would be proud of me. But then, you know that anyway. She's with you now, isn't she? I was so sad when Kieran phoned me in Toronto to say she had passed away. Heart attack. So sudden, poor Kieran was beside himself. He's gone back to Cork now, to be with his brothers. I hope he's OK, he is a lovely man and he helped me a lot when I lost you. Sorry if I'm rambling a bit, but I always did, didn't I babes?"

"Take care of Gina for me hun" I said quietly "Both of you can wait for me now. Hopefully it won't be long. I'm still so lonely without you. The ache never goes...not really"

I left without my usual half hour of looking out over the lake. My flight for Italy and another photo shoot, left in three hours from Bristol Airport. I felt like I'd cheated her somehow, but I promised myself next time I came it would be for longer.

18 years later.

The distance from the car to the lake seemed ever so much longer now, but being pushed in a wheelchair didn't help. It was a bit of a shock when the doctor told me that I had cancer, I nearly laughed in her face. Cancer? Is there some kind of conspiracy going on here? First Naomi, now me...

My mum and dad are both gone now, thankfully, I don't think my Dad would have dealt very well with me going first, But Dad died from a heart attack walking to the pub and mum from a stroke at home, but they both had long and happy lives even after they got divorced. James is the one I'm worried about. He didn't take their deaths last year well, especially as they occurred 6 months apart, but Katie is being strong for him. She is strong for me too, but that wasn't ever in doubt, was it. Katie Fucking Fitch to the end, my twin.

But me being diagnosed with leukaemia was a bit too much for James. He went into a horrible cycle of drink, denial and anger, and if it hadn't been for Katie literally slapping him round the head as if he was still 11, I think he might have gone over the edge too.

Anyway, as Greta, the nice woman from the hospice, wheels me over to the lakeside, only grumbling a little at the uneven ground and wet leaves, we arrive at the same old spot.

I can't actually bend over now to rub the moss from the plaque, but Greta does it for me. She leaves me there, anchored by the brakes, whilst she has a crafty smoke over by the trees, and I am left here with my thoughts.

And with you, of course my love.

"Hello baby" I say softly "Sorry its been so long between visits. I had to stop work last year, but the stupid doctors wouldn't let me come here until I got strong enough. I had a little stroke too, so I was a bit out of it for a while, but I'm back now. I hope you haven't been too lonely here. I'll be with you very soon"

I sat there for an hour almost, whilst Greta smoked her way through half a pack of cigarettes. She didn't seem to mind, just watched the smoke curling up into the branches and smiled at me periodically. It got cold quite quickly, and when she got up, I was almost glad. The cold seems to reach right into my bones nowadays.

I made her stop just before we turned the chair round to go, and whispered you a last goodbye. I wouldn't be coming back any more, not like this anyway. The last time I come here, Katie has strict instructions, will be in a small dark urn. A couple of spadefuls of earth later and I will be with you forever. I smiled to myself as she wheeled me back to the car...

Later that afternoon, I had a bit of a funny turn, and seemed to spend the rest of the evening going in and out of consciousness. I heard whispering...something about "she should never have been allowed out" and "too much for her" but I ignored them. I had made my last pilgrimage to you my love, and I was truly happy. Katie and James came, and I saw them have a whispered conversation with the consultant outside my side room. Memories of your last few hours drifted into my mind, but this time, I wasn't beside myself with grief. This time I wasn't losing you, I would be finding you again.

Soon enough, the day staff went off and so did James and Katie. They both kissed me and promised they would be back in the morning. I smiled at them, but I think we all knew I wasn't going to be around much longer. I drifted off happily enough...

It was the smallest sensation really. I was having a really nice dream about that time in Freddie's shed, when you poured out your heart in front of everyone and we were back together again for good. It was a lovely speech, I remembered every words, and as I woke, I was smiling to myself. Such lovely memories.

The sensation grew, and I groggily realised someone was holding my hand. I turned my head and looked to see who was being daft enough to sit with me through the night.

"Hey baby" a small voice said and if I had been half awake before, I was fully, terrifyingly awake now.

"N...Naomi?" I said dumbly "But you're..."

"Dead?" the voice said, and as my eyes cleared I could see you sitting beside my bed. Looking the same as you did the day I left to go to the States, dressed in that blue stripy jumper and red skinnies.

I tried to sit up, but a wave of nausea washed over me and I had to fall back onto the pillows.

"Am I dreaming still?" I said croakily, hoping that if I was, the dream would go on for ever.

"Not dreaming my love, just dying" she said, and I saw her face crease in a small smile. The one I had been missing these past 40 years.

"I need to tell you some things now, Emily" she said in a voice which seemed to float on the air, light as a cobweb. "It's nearly your time my darling, and soon we'll be together again. Its been so very lonely without you all these years, but I've been watching over you, just like I promised. I saw you in New York when you won that photography competition. I sat next to you when you did that presentation to the RPS in London on the poaching of elephants. I watched you cry and I watched you laugh. I've even watched you love, at least as much as my aching heart would stand, but I've been with you all the time. I even got myself into trouble speaking to you that time at the lake, do you remember?"

"That was you?" I gulped. "I was so sure my mind was playing tricks on me..."

"It was, and it's like, totally against the rules. But I knew what you were thinking of doing, and I couldn't allow that. If you had, you would have had to spend a human lifetime in what we call the waiting room, repenting the fact that you gave away the greatest gift of all, so I sort of broke the rules... and it worked..!" she grinned that Naomi grin, and I knew then that this was no dream. She was here, with me.

"But how..." I began, but she shushed me and gripped my hand even harder.

"Not much time baby" she said "In a few minutes this room will be filled with doctors and nurses, and it will get a bit bumpy for you for a little while. Don't worry, I'll be right here"

"So I'm dying now, is that right?" I said, not able to keep the sadness from my voice. I thought of Katie and James, sleeping down the hall in the visitors room. They would be so sad.

"Yes, you're dying Emily Fitch" Naomi smiled at me again "But it will be OK again after a while. Katie and James will grieve for you of course, but your mum and dad are here, with my mum, and Freddie, and Effy"

I frowned at the mention of Effy's name. She was dead too then, I hadn't heard.

"Don't be too hard on her Ems" Naomi said "She is terribly sorry for what she did, and she had a very unhappy life after I left you. She went into a spiral of drink and drugs just like before, but this time there was no Freddie or Katie to get her out of it. She died horribly and slowly in a syringe strewn bedsit in London a couple of years after you last saw her. She's paid for her mistakes"

I nodded at that. I suppose after all these years I could forgive my friend from college.

"OK" I said quickly "But I'm old now...look at my grey hair and saggy arse" I heard her giggle at that "What would someone as beautiful as you want with this old biddy now hun?"

"Oh, that's all taken care of. You see, you get one chance to decide when you get here, at what age you want to spend eternity. I decided that I was never happier than when we had that time in our twenties. I was finally sure that you were the only one for me, and I had no regrets about anything any more. So here I am, Naomi Campbell, 22 years old, and pretty fucking hot, if I do say so myself!"

I laughed at that, despite the twinges of pain that racked my chest when I did. Fucks sake, she can still make me laugh like no one else, I thought.

"Won't you get in trouble..you know, for swearing and stuff?" I lifted my eyebrows, indicating the heaven above, and this time she laughed too.

"Swearing is just words babes" she smiled, "although you might want to ease up on the "J. E. S. U. S." and "O.M.F.G's" a bit, _that_ tends to be frowned on by the boss.

I giggled at that, something I don't think I have done for years.

"Are we going...up there?" I said, using my eyebrows again to indicate the traditional place for heaven.

"Actually, its not like that" she said patiently, as if explaining algebra to a 7 year old. "Its more like being in the next room, but divided by an invisible barrier. We can see and hear anything we want to, but can't _do_ anything to affect it. Unless the one we're looking after is about to do something silly, and then allowances are made, but its still pretty taboo to communicate quite as directly as I did. I got a real telling off for that"

Just then I felt a small, intense pain in my chest, and my breathing became shallow and fast. I saw the look of real concern on Naomi's face and she faded slightly as if she was drifting away from me. The feel of her hand on my wrist eased and I panicked more at that, than the lack of breath.

"Don't... don't leave me Naomi!" I cried out, gasping at the suffocating pressure that seemed to be invading my lungs. I could dimly hear the continuous whine of the machine next to my bed as I felt my heart thump twice really hard, then stop.

My eyes rolled up in my head, and for a brief second or two, all I could hear and feel was urgent talking and someone calling my name...then nothing.

I don't know how long it was. I mean, how do you tell, when you're actually dead? But one minute there was blackness and silence, the next there was the sensation of floating and I was weirdly aware that I was looking down at myself. The doctors and nurses were milling about, not trying to resuscitate, but removing tubes and cannulae from my arms. I looked peaceful lying there, and I smiled as I looked at my lined face and grey hair. It was my time, and I wasn't sad any more. I could feel a hand in mine again and looked to the side to see Naomi glowing gently there. She was holding tightly to my hand, and leaned over to whisper in my ear.

"You look beautiful, my only love" she said, and I was surprised to see a tear fall down her perfect cheek. "It's time to go now. Come with me. No one, and nothing can ever hurt you again now"

"We're Naomi and Emily, and we love each other" she smiled sweetly.

I smiled back and gripped her hand tightly as we drifted away from the hospital ward. I was home, with my Naomi, and for the first time in years, not lonely any more.


End file.
